When she asked the same question over and over, and most difficult, the same question on the same subject over and over here is what it looked like.
"Grandma", "When is lunch?" Every 5 minutes she asked , "Grandma, when is lunch?" As soon as I answered, she either asked the same question again, or she asked, "Grandma, what is for lunch?" Over and over, until we were all ready to strangle her. I soon learned to ask the same question back to her. "Grandma, when is lunch?"
"Ella, when is lunch?" Surprise, as soon as she answered the question herself she didn't ask again for at least a half hour. Of course, next came.
"Grandma, what is for lunch?"
I would respond, "Ella, what is for lunch?" She answered, "Can I have peanut butter and jelly?" "Yes, that is what you want and that is the appropriate way to ask me. Yes, peanut butter and jelly is what you can have."
As she grew older she really enjoyed going places with me. Every day, over and over she would ask,
"Grandma, are you going anywhere today? Can I go with you?" I answered one time where I had to go and whether or not she could go with me. If she asked again, I asked her the question and she grew in confidence when she knew where I would be and whether she would be going with me or not. Soon she became angry with the answer "No" to any question. I changed the question I asked her.
"Grandma can I go with you today?"
"Ella, what places do I go that you cannot go?"
"Meetings, doctor visits, and group homes."
"Where do I go that you can go with me?"
"To the store, the park, to the doctor, or out to lunch or dinner."
"So, where am I going and can you go with me?" Or I asked, "When can you go with me?" She was able to accept a "No" answer.
One last example for today. When she visited her mother she often came home all out of sorts. She threw hours long fits, used foul language, etc. Before any visit, even when she was only 3 years old, I asked, "Ella, is there a way you can see Mommy and not come home and throw fits?" and "What plan can we make that will help you be nice when you come home?" Then we went about looking for something to do when she came home that would be better than screaming and violence. It really helped put her in control of her own behavior.